Why a blog and why now?

I started this blog for a few reasons, but I’ll start with proposing to my BFF. I decided to get the ball rolling on getting married and starting a family with my best friend (and ex) of 12 years. While that is fantastic news under normal circumstances and a time for celebration, I proposed to him right around when my mental health lapsed. I was fighting suicidal ideation. I’d kept my depression at bay for months after my accident, but it was a week before my 32nd birthday, and the surgeons told me I’d be looking at two or more surgeries. I was about to become unraveled entirely; I couldn’t do this pain alone again. His first response wasn’t “yes,” by the way. I know, I know, I KNOW. The fool… right? Look at this beautiful hot mess right here…

My exact texted proposal said, “Best friend will you marry me if we’re both single by the time you’re 35? I’d prefer a spring wedding.” His first response was, “Where the fuck did you get a ring?”

A match made in heaven…

I wasn’t serious; I was depressed and suicidal. As I said, I wasn’t fine… I haven’t been fine for a while. I had spent the last ten months of my accident saying I’m fine; I’m okay, there’s nothing wrong… My BFF gave me a typical response, and we both laughed it off for a few days before we eventually considered it. The day after my birthday, I spiraled again. Every single day I was waking up and wanting to die. The suicidal ideation was out of control. I didn’t want to “Life” anymore.

Straight-up denial…

That denial led me to the decision to try ketamine infusion therapy. My literal neural pathways needed some TLC for real change to occur. That physiological change allowed me to process my situation differently. I started journaling to process life after my treatments and between sessions with my therapist of 4 years. Then earlier this year, I had a spark of inspiration from an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in 17 years and wrote a three-page personal essay. All of these realizations started to weigh on me heavily. This wasn’t the same as some of the things I’d posted on social media. That decision is what led to this here blog.

This blog is here for me, I’m processing my trauma, but I’m finally ready to share my story. I want to find healing in the traditional teachings of my Indigenous side. This is me finding Himdag (him-dawg). I eventually want to learn all the different ethnicities that make me up. I want to follow my history, and later this year, I plan to get genetic testing done.

I don’t believe for a moment that I had to go through the things I’ve experienced to learn some “special” lesson; that’s grandiose as fuck. (Trust me, I’m Bipolar, I know grandiose.) I think I would still be just as sweet and fiery as I’ve always been without suffering hardship. I believe in taking advantage of my experiences and using them as a tool or resource to improve myself, my situation, or those within my circle. You’ll understand as you read more.

This blog will talk about childhood and adulthood sexual assault/abuse, child abuse, neglect, substance abuse, and whatever other trauma I have kept my mouth shut about. This blog will talk about it and give me a space to share how I’ve been processing my experiences. If you’re sensitive about that type of stuff, I wouldn’t read this blog. I’m not adding trigger warnings to ANY of my content. This is MY journey, MY story. I’m willingly sharing, please leave knowing that I experienced this, and I even wrote it; you only need to read it.