I’m literally sitting here, about to cry. Cry because I forgot that yesterday was the 3rd Saturday of the month and that I needed to get my ass to the garden. I’ve been stuck in my head and feeling so alone and isolated with no one with whom I’ve felt comfortable enough to share these thoughts swirling in my head. I missed my favorite day of the month because I’m so stressed and so panicked over everything, most of which is out of my control… I don’t want to miss my favorite day. It’s literally all I have to keep me going. Yet here I am on a Sunday, crying because I missed it. I wish I wasn’t so alone inside my head. I wish I had a partner to impart these things, someone to remind me to come out of my head. I have no such thing and will probably never have such a thing… in the meantime, I guess I can try to let go of control.
This post is a reflection of trying to let go of control. I agonize for weeks over posts and things that I want to write. I wrote 3.2 million words last year, and my blog hasn’t even shown a fraction of it. Part of this is because I’m so damned scared of not being good enough that I hyperfocus on perfecting and refining what I’ve written until it’s reached my golden standard, or I burn myself out. When it’s come to my writing, particularly for this blog, I’ve definitely fallen into the trap of burning myself out. Yeah, it’s me. I’m the problem… I’m the only one with my high ass standards that no one seems to give a shit about. I’m agonizing over personal writings as if some publisher is going to come along and say, “Wow, look how well written and articulate this person is,” as if even if my writing was full of spelling and grammatical errors that, a publisher wouldn’t be able to see through that to the actual narrative. Not unlike what’s been done for many people who became famous without formal education. There’s literally a line of people that got where they are not by achieving perfection but by simply going after what they wanted with what they had available… including not fucking stressing over grammar.
My agony doesn’t end with the perfecting of spelling and grammar. It’s also chased by a need for validation and acknowledgment. That by some modicum of a chance, my friends and family would validate my experience and emotions. They’d placate my experiences by discussing the topics I’m processing and dissecting, possibly uncovering some inner truths or healing together. I usually have an uptick of views on posts after posting to socials. My guess is that it’s generally from strangers. I know this because I’ve rarely had discussions about my writing with anyone within my inner circle. I’m often met with, “oh, I haven’t read it yet.” or “oh, yeah, I read it, great job”… I’m agonizing over the wrong things, for the wrong reasons, for the wrong situations.My plan moving on is to be out here focuing on being unperfect, I’m going to strive for getting things done over perfection.
I’ll be experimenting with art, writing, creating, and music this year for sale. My spare time will be dedicated to me; ending the agony I’ve endured waiting on things outside my control is only the start. This is the first step to letting go of people, places, and situations I’ve allowed to hold me back and sat here stuck in my head. I’m the only one holding myself accountable… I’m no longer going to sit here and agonize about the minor details and instead focus on making chaos work for me like magic. The thing is that even when I do something half-assed, it’s often better than most people’s fully-formed thoughts. I’m not saying I’m better than anyone by any means. I know that when doing just about anything, I’m usually able to formulate a plan even at the last second. My mind is active and constantly going. I wish I could see what was happening to my brain when I’m deep in thought. Life is messy and impermanent, and frankly, I ain’t got the time to agonize.
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finding himdag 