Unraveling Codependency: Lessons from a Leaky Bucket

It’s a New Moon today, July 17th, 2023, officially at 11:32 am AZ time. New moons are about setting new intentions and giving yourself a fresh start. This is when you’d want to set goals and implement them for the next month. In astrology, the themes happening in Cancer this month are those dealing with boundaries, vulnerabilities, home, and community. Let’s just say this theme couldn’t be more fitting for the things I’m currently going through.

In the past ten weeks, I’ve understood how even small boundary crossings can lead to larger ones if left unchecked. I use the term “allowed” intentionally; had my boundaries been more robust and I acknowledged the signs of codependency, I wouldn’t have felt exploited or ill-treated. Trying to fill other people’s buckets while having a hole in mine is an exercise in futility that resulted in ending a friendship with my college acquaintance (MYCA).

As I faced my thirteenth surgery, my role was not to care for others but to allow others to care for me. Yet, I let this happen by reaching out to MYCA for support rather than relying on the nurturing community I’d cultivated —where I’d begun to feel safe and accepted. Trying to be a reliable friend, I abandoned my principles and, by doing so, abandoned my faith in the community that sought nothing more from me than to provide assistance.

Since 2012, I’ve prepared myself for monetary losses in cases where lending money or agreements are not cemented in writing – a principle I learned from reading Dave Ramsey’s books. This paradigm shift occurred in my twenties after repeatedly lending money to loved ones and being disappointed when it wasn’t repaid. I had to learn to give small amounts and not expect anything in return by choosing the value of the friendship over monetary and material labels. If I do something without an agreement, I rely on the person’s integrity and accept the calculated risk I made based on trust. My only requirement is communication, even bad communication can be worked out into effective communication, but there has to be a start. If they don’t communicate, I no longer loan them money or trust them, depending on the situation, I may even drop them. I accepted everything that happened when I allowed her to use my car without an agreement. Three weeks before my surgery, my gut warned me that something in the situation was wrong. I even preemptively asked some of my garden friends to be on standby, as I didn’t feel 100% comfortable with MYCA. This was because MYCA was preoccupied with finding a vehicle, reluctant to set a date to sign and notarize a car usage agreement, and then arrived 6 hours before my surgery. These events should’ve served as red flags, signaling my failure to uphold my boundaries.

The severity of my situation became apparent when a friend from out of town, I’ll call Gihsupi (we’ll learn to say it together one day lol O’odham word for Black Phoebe, Sayornis nigricans) visited and witnessed the neglected trash cans and recycling spilling over in my bedroom and living room while MYCA was on vacation in the middle of my care. Gihsupi told me I didn’t deserve this, and she was right. I spent the next week figuring out how to express my needs to MYCA before she returned from her trip.

When she came back, I gathered my courage to address the issues that had built up, and her response was avoidance. This forced me to text or call for food and water otherwise, she wouldn’t check in. I felt like I was being forced to beg for basic needs. I was physically exhausted from the pain and emotionally drained from the fear of speaking up, eventually convincing myself that I didn’t deserve peace, respect, or the most basic kindness. This mindset, rooted in self-devaluation and acceptance of poor treatment, is directly connected to childhood trauma and is one of many signs of codependency. When I realized that her help did more harm than good, I asked her to leave in order to save the friendship. Despite my circumstances and needs, I tried to rectify the situation and preserve the friendship by offering a helping hand, and we made a new agreement that she’d be responsible for all miles driven for personal reasons, I have pay-as-you-go insurance. It was an arrangement I was not obligated to uphold, especially after deciding that I no longer wanted her assistance but wanted to be a good friend. Ultimately, she’d end up ghosting me. On the day she came to return my car, she spent about an hour moving in and out without uttering a single word or acknowledgment.

The final straw that shattered any remaining hopes of a friendship was a week later when she ignored my message detailing the amount owed for car usage. I waited for any communication until the day after the bill, which was a week later, and she provided none. The issue was never about money, I accepted that responsibility the moment I let it happen. The biggest issues were a lack of effective communication leading to a deficit in personal integrity. Whether it was intentional or not, this person failed me, and her continued silence was a loud response.

Right now, my wellness depends on prioritizing my needs. If others can’t be there for me, I accept that and continue working with those that can. If they can’t do things at a level that is beneficial to me, they’re not in a position to be helpful, and the last thing I’d want to do is take from a bucket that’s as leaky as mine. Taking from leaky buckets leaves everyone with less water, tiring ourselves trying to be helpful while perpetuating harmful self-neglect and negative codependency cycles. Recognizing what you or others are capable of is integral to setting realistic boundaries.

I’m in no position to care for anyone other than me and my cat. I was dishonest to myself, my community, and her by not enforcing my need for communication and respecting my boundaries when they weren’t met. Resulting in the end of our friendship. I’m regrowing ligaments from my recent ACL surgery and restrengthening my leg muscles with severe atrophy; it’s exhausting. I’m not in a position to be anyone else’s emotional support, not while in physical pain and recovering. I hold myself accountable for everything that happens and forgive myself for allowing it as I learn and grow through each experience. As Jadah Sellner writes in her book, She Builds: “… you can transform setbacks into growth opportunities. A failure becomes feedback, losses become lessons, and mistakes become momentum. What was once an obstacle is now an open invitation to grow and deepen your roots.”

This experience has emphasized the significance of setting and maintaining boundaries at all stages and with all interpersonal interactions. I’ve learned to put my needs before others, and I’m learning how to disengage before falling into a codependent pattern. The cost to my well-being is too great to engage in, not when I can’t walk. This lesson has been valuable in teaching me to protect my peace. Applying it now, at my most vulnerable, will give me more power and strength once I recover. As I mentioned before, I’m no longer in the business of silencing my experiences. Instead, I’m a loud warrior banging drums to announce the arrival of my personal growth, continuing my path filled with emotion and guided by love and forgiveness. Forgiveness is a personal journey that needs to be embraced for oneself first.

It’s hard to acknowledge the part you play in setting people up to hurt you, but learning from experience and growing is possible. I learned I can take steps to not double down on being insecure, lacking boundaries, or shutting down by allowing myself to feel the emotions as they come so that I can think clearly afterward. A lesson from my grandmother I’d somehow forgotten. I had to recognize that those are personal reactions, not reality. They’re also signs of extreme control. It requires discipline to tolerate negative circumstances, and now I understand the need to let go of control by continuing to allow myself to heal through feeling. Part of shedding my learned behavior has been creating safe foundations where I can exercise my strengths and power. If I can exercise self-control in adverse circumstances, I can certainly apply the same practice to achieve my life goals. There’s one goal that has always been at the forefront of my ambitions: to change the world.

I have several posts lined up that I started working on -and partially abandoned- the week after my surgery. My situation had plunged me into a dark place, but it’s in this darkness that I found clarity, love, and understanding for my inner child. Part of being able to change the world starts with me. It’s by acknowledging the intergenerational trauma and how it’s rippled into various aspects of my present being and then resetting it to no longer impede upon my self-determination. I’m ready to share the lessons I learned, and I’ve created or used various worksheets to get me there. I want to share the ones I’m making and using to help me rebuild my emotional foundations. These will be available on my “buy me a coffee” page as downloadable and printable pages for a nominal fee. I’m raising funds to alter my circumstances and pay down debt. Everything helps. Like, share, and join the email list. You can also follow me on social media, I should have enough cat videos and thirst traps on TikTok and IG until I’m able to add it back to my schedule.

More to come soon, happy intention setting this new moon. Playlist for vibes.

AI transparency and ethics note: This blog has been reviewed and edited with the assistance of Chat GPT-4 technology to enhance punctuation, grammar, and readability.