This journey continues…
Sharing one’s story should never induce trauma, a concept reiterated in my therapy sessions. In the past, accusations of dishonesty or dismissals after sharing my traumas led to an intensified sense of trauma and silence. I thought I’d rid myself of behaviors that invited potentially harmful people into my life, yet I let my guard down, allowing old patterns to resurface. I’m gaining clarity on previously obscured aspects of my life. It’s becoming evident that solitude is necessary for cultivating safety, security, and contentment on my journey. Having tolerated poor treatment from others, I recognize that I’m to blame. Growing up in an environment where boundary violations were the norm, I never learned how to protect myself. I was accustomed to placing myself last, prioritizing the needs of everyone else. I must embark on a journey free from these external influences to truly grow.
For far too long, I’ve been tolerant, compassionate, and considerate, stemming from an inherent need to placate and please people. I’m now aware that I deserve those same considerations. Those around me haven’t reciprocated because I’ve felt undeserving, indirectly communicating this through my actions. Accepting others’ poor behavior taught them to disregard my feelings and needs. It may seem counterintuitive, but we teach others how to treat us through our actions and inactions. Boundaries, maintained by secure individuals, are the foundation of this teaching. Secure people rarely have to worry about boundary crossers. When faced with them, secure individuals exit the situation without guilt. They simply let go.
Moving Forward
This past year, I devoted myself to building a community around me that I believed was safe, only to discover they weren’t. I was humiliated when someone laughed at me after sharing a story about the sexual abuse I suffered in childhood. Gaslighting, unwanted touches, and boundary violations followed, even after I explicitly requested space to avoid a looming, turned inevitable PTSD attack. These inexcusable, unapologetic, and undiscussed offenses were tolerated out of desperation for a week. I pretended everything was fine to avoid upsetting my offender. Thankfully, the universe provided me with an opportunity to retreat, which I gladly seized.
I’ve distanced myself from everything that previously harmed my well-being, environments filled with passive-aggression, boundary crossing, and projection. Lacking the fortitude and skills to discern who is or isn’t detrimental to my health, I now resolve to invest in myself, prioritizing actions that cultivate my happiness. Those who can’t meet my fundamental needs for safety, security, respect, and communication don’t deserve my time and attention. I must focus on repairing my ‘leaky bucket’, repurposing the effort spent pouring from it into reinforcing its structure. I will not allow insignificant people or environments to retraumatize me. I am entitled to peace, and I’m learning to prioritize myself.
I’m selfish.
I no longer find solace in the gardens I once cherished, but the desert itself is a garden abundant with beauty extending into my backyard. I’m back to working on projects behind the scenes, intending to launch a few before my birthday in August. The universe is placing obstacles in my path, not as hindrances but as signposts indicating areas that need change for my liberation. I will be free.
Navigating the path of self-discovery can be challenging, but the first step lies in confronting your circumstances honestly and embracing radical acceptance. For instance, after enduring a week in the presence of my offender and experiencing overwhelming physical reactions, I began to pay attention to signs from the universe, nudging me to acknowledge my emotions. Rather than evading these feelings, I immersed myself in them.
Anime is a Therapy Tool…
My mental breaking point resulted in a two-day crying spell triggered by Netflix suggesting I watch “My Happy Marriage” and the subsequent purchase of the light novel after I completed back-to-back appointments this past Monday. These tears continued into my regular Tuesday therapy appointment; she wrote me a response in case the offender contacted me. We planned a second session for this week and discussed using my depression box, self-soothing, and bilateral stimulation techniques.
On the third day, I scaled back my priorities, focusing solely on attending my appointments and allowing myself to rest. Projecting my anger and frustration toward a character in the anime series “7Seeds” instead of on myself was therapeutic. Whenever thoughts of being useless or unloved threatened to pull me into a spiral of negativity, I reassured myself of my intrinsic worth when my thoughts threatened to spiral by telling myself, “I’m allowed to exist without a purpose. I also utilized an app my therapist recommended last month called Sleep Restore -for Android- (Apple Store), which offers 20-minute bilateral stimulation audio. Playing this through my Shokz headset, combined with external speakers playing music from the playlist I curated for my previous post, it decreased my anxiety which felt like relieving puffs of energy with each tap. It made the words I was hearing carry more meaning.
On the fourth day, I started writing this post. I formulated a plan to aid my recovery and later presented it to my therapist alongside my newfound insights. She validated my experiences, and we began to differentiate between internal and external feelings. As our session ended, she advised me to practice bilateral tapping on my chest if the ordeal crept back into my consciousness—a technique I found useful while working on this post an hour after our session.
The journey of self-discovery is often filled with intense emotions and challenging moments, but every step forward, no matter how small, is a triumph. I’m sharing this in the hope that it might resonate with someone else on a similar journey, reassuring them that it’s okay to feel, seek help, and, most importantly, prioritize self-care. Yes, I curated another playlist for this post, music is one of the many tools I use to cope.
AI transparency and ethics note: This blog has been reviewed and edited with the assistance of Chat GPT-4 technology to enhance punctuation, grammar, and readability.
finding himdag 