Breaking the Chains: The End is a Beginning

Have you ever felt completely alone, even surrounded by people? The last couple of months have been agonizing as I’ve realized that for 34 years, most of my relatives and relationships have been abusive. It hit me when I realized that I have no one to trust or who loves me unconditionally. I was left and abandoned at a point in my life when I needed people the most. Then, I was blamed for needing help and asking, when others failed me. I was blamed for the transgressions against me by my abusers. If I wasn’t asking for money on their behalf or spending it on them, I was being used as a punching bag, being ridiculed, belittled, yelled at and called awful names, and being threatened with bodily harm (I was blamed when I did nothing wrong). What hurt worse was that I finally realized that no one spoke up about the abuse in my childhood or adulthood because they benefitted from the abuse. I’ve listed terms and definitions of the behaviors that perpetuate abuse. Be aware so you can speak up when a victim can’t. Avoid the following behaviors:

1. Bystander: A bystander is someone who witnesses or is aware of abusive behavior but does not take action to intervene or report it.
2. Silent Witness: This term is often used to describe individuals who are aware of abuse but choose to remain silent and do not report it or take any action to stop it.
3. Enabler: An enabler is a person who knowingly or unknowingly supports or enables abusive behavior by their actions or inaction. This can include not reporting abuse when they are aware of it.
4. Complicit: Complicity refers to being involved or participating in an act, often an illegal or unethical one. When someone is aware of abuse and chooses not to report it, they can be seen as complicit in allowing the abuse to continue.

Not speaking up or having empathy for a victim of abuse is a form of abuse. I’ve made a critial choice to end the vast majority of relationships with people because I no longer want to be trapped in cycles of abuse and neglect. I thought my journey started last year but my real journey begins here. I haven’t stopped crying over the 16 year old me that turned down an opportunity to become emancipated because I allowed the guilt of my sibling and parentification to cloud my judgements. I thought I was helping but all I did was perpetuate my own cycle of abuse. I’m no longer doing that. I’m done allowing myself to be abused by anyone. I’d rather be homeless and destitute than be apart of their toxic patterns and behaviors.

I’m 34 and no longer want to be afraid that one of my relatives will show up to kill or beat me up. I’m disabled and facing a 14th surgery. I’m tired and I need peace so I can heal not only physically but mentally and emotionally from them. At the end of the month I will be homeless. I’m hoping to qualify for a small high-interest loan but it doesn’t seem likely because of my reduced pay. Once I’m stable, I will update my blog again. I have no idea how long that will take. Thank you.

If you are being abused or think you’re being abused you can find more information here and here. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! Also the title of a great book everyone should read/listen to.